Orgasms are more than a few seconds of fleeting pleasure. They are powerhouses of wellness with countless benefits for both body and mind; they are instruments of intimacy and tools to learn about your body, your sexuality, and your desires. The more you know about orgasms, the more fun you can have experimenting to discover what works best for you.
Women’s Orgasms
For too long, women and people with vulva’s orgasms have been treated as an extra bonus or pleasant byproduct from the more meaningful goal during sex: male orgasm. Not only is that idea heteronormative, it’s also sexist. The idea that women are here to serve and please men is old-fashioned, and anyone who wants to have an orgasm should be able to do so. Whether or not you have an orgasm isn’t a huge deal, but you deserve pleasure as much as your partner and shouldn’t settle for less satisfaction than you want.
If your sexual needs aren’t being met, check out my YouTube video below for tips on how to deal:
Every Orgasm Is Different—And That’s a Good Thing
What’s interesting about orgasms is that, though they have a lot in common, everyone has vastly different experiences with them. You may feel a rush of adrenaline or a flood of relaxation when you’re finished. You may enjoy the buildup almost as much or even more than the climax. Further, they may vary from time to time. You may masturbate the same way each time, but sometimes the orgasms will be life-changing, whereas other times they will be ordinary. Whether they are a thrill of other-worldly euphoria or a relaxing way to end the day, subtle or small orgasms are still orgasms, and you’re still reaping all the physical and mental health benefits they provide.
What’s tricky is not to fall prey to ranking orgasms. You don’t have to have a life-changing orgasm each time—in fact, that is likely impossible. It’s important to remember that sex isn’t a competition. Focusing on pleasure rather than whether this orgasm was better than the last one can help you enjoy sex more. Comparison is the thief of joy, so don’t let the instinct to optimize your sex life rob you of presence and pleasure.
Tips for Maximizing Your Orgasms
Orgasms are great, but you can make them even hotter with a little mindfulness. For instance, sexual fantasies can make orgasms even more powerful. Your mindset has an enormous impact on how much you enjoy sex and how intense your climax is. Some people are able to come from fantasy alone. Try varying your fantasies to see which ones get you in the mood, push you over the edge, or interest your partner. You may be surprised by what you learn.
If you want to have better orgasms, keeping a pleasure journal may help. Writing down your fantasies, what toy you used, what technique your partner employed, and what your mood was like can help you recognize trends and get more of what you want. The important thing is not to create a persistent routine even though you’re looking for trends. Continue to try new things so that your sexuality feels expansive and you remain open to new paths toward orgasm. You don’t want a formula that leads you to the same finished product each time—you want a galaxy of options to select from each time you play.
Better Orgasms with Age
Orgasms can improve with age, thanks to having more experience with your body and desires. With age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes the ability to release body insecurities or bad sexual habits (like faking orgasms) that stand in the way of your ultimate pleasure. You may realize that it doesn’t matter if your genitals have a certain smell or if you look like a porn star during sex—the point is how it feels, not how it looks. Embrace this freedom. New challenges may pop up as you age, like health conditions, injuries, or prescriptions that interfere with your sex drive, but if you focus on maintaining your sex life, you will continue to have satisfying orgasms.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.