Everyone wants to please their lover; however, there can be a number of barriers in place that make it difficult. These barriers may include a lack of experience, either with sex, in general, or with a new partner. Often, one’s upbringing can lead to sexual inhibitions. But, surprisingly, the most common hurdle to satisfaction in the bedroom is simply, embarrassment. I recently chatted with Dr. Lonnie Barbach and we explored three key elements to pleasing your partner.
1. Communication
People are embarrassed to talk about what they like in bed. We aren’t mind readers so if you and your partner don’t communicate what turns you on and what turns you off then you’re quite literally (and figuratively) stumbling around in the dark. It’s also important to remember that everyone is different; something that worked for a past partner may not work for your current partner.
It’s important to have these types of conversations with your partner to learn what works best for the two of you in the bedroom. You shouldn’t simply expect your partner to know what you like, as you probably don’t inherently know what they like. It’s completely normal to have to talk about these things, especially since what you desire may evolve over the years. It is also important to remember that even if you didn’t see a need to talk about what you like and don’t like early on in the relationship, you will probably get to a point where the lust wears off and it’s extremely beneficial to have this conversation.
2. Chemistry
Chemistry is an essential component to a heathy sex life. Chemistry is the component that fosters the desire to be with your partner. It’s sort of the magnetic draw that pulls you two together. This isn’t something that can be created. Chemistry with your partner should occur organically. It may seem to fade over time and, if that’s the case, it can certainly be restored. However, it’s not something that can be forced or concocted.
Sometimes I see couples who are the best of friends and want to work on their sex life, unfortunately, there’s just no chemistry. Chemistry is sort of the one component that has to naturally be there and isn’t something that you can work to create. There are also couples who seem to have chemistry; however, they are sexually awkward with one another and they may just simply be sexually incompatible, which brings us to the third “C,” compatibility.
3. Compatibility & Compromise
Sexual expectations that are compatible with your partner’s is crucial. For example, while there’s no normal frequency, it’s simply unrealistic for a couple to have a healthy and satisfying sex life if one person only likes to have sex once every couple of weeks but the other person would like to have sex every day. There’s a large discrepancy in their interests and it would be hard to meet both partners’ needs, even with a compromise.
Sexual styles can also be very different. For example, one person may like quick intense sex, while the other prefers slow drawn out sexual encounters. While this couple has different styles, if they are willing to compromise and work-in both types of encounters, then they may be able to have a healthy sex life and relationship. Openness to trying new things in the bedroom can also play a huge role here. However, if you have two people with very different styles and they are unwilling to partake in their partner’s preferences, for whatever reason, then they are likely not compatible.
Pleasing your partner is a task with many layers. While there’s obviously a certain amount of physicality involved, the work goes far beyond the physical. The chemistry between you and your partner, along with your sexual compatibility, are fundamental components that are necessary to please each other, sexually. In addition to these two inherent characteristics, your ability to communicate your sexual preferences and willingness to compromise, both play huge roles in the bedroom. And, like most aspects of life, communication is key!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a sex therapy counselor in Torrance, California. She hosts a weekly podcast series called Sexology. Her clinical approach comes from a place of education, training, skills, intuition and most importantly tailored to her clients’ needs. Her office is located in Torrance, serving the greater Los Angeles area including Palos Verdes, Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach, South Bay and surrounding areas.