Do you struggle to talk to your partner about sex? You’re hardly alone! Some people are uncomfortable broaching the topic AT ALL! Others might feel okay with “fun” sex talks, about fantasies or turn-ons, but struggle addressing problems or issues within the relationship. Most everyone has difficulties talking about sex in some way or another.
Sex is very personal to us, and nobody wants to be judged, shamed or rejected by their partner. And yet, because sex is so individual, what is perfectly fine with one person may be completely unacceptable to another. There are two levels to consider: your comfort with what what you want to say, and your partner’s reaction. Remember, there are no magic words for the perfect sex talk, nor can you control your partner’s response. Using good communication skills may help diminish a negative reaction, but even the most perfectly worded expression may still be a complete turn off to your partner. Sexual communication feels very vulnerable, where we risk revealing something about ourselves we rarely share with others, yet without risk there is little reward (and few orgasms!).
So what makes for good communication? If you’re preparing to talk to your partner, it might help to take a moment and imagine how you would want your partner to talk to you, if the tables were reversed. How would you want to feel? How would you not want to feel?
A good communicator does their best to be:
Authentic
- “I have something to tell you that’s hard for me to share, and yet its very important that I let you know before we have sex… I was diagnosed with Herpes several years before we met.”
Honest
- “I want you to know that I am extremely attracted to you and your [insert body part here]. What do you think about playing with that more?”
Kind and Gentle
- “I want to talk about something that might be difficult for you to hear, because its important that we be open with one another. I’ve been feeling some pain when we have sex, and I want to share with you what’s going on so hopefully we can figure out a solution.”
Understanding
- “I can imagine hearing me share my sexy dream about our neighbor would be uncomfortable, and I want to assure you it was just a dream, I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship.”
Clear
- “I want to share a fantasy I’ve had lately, that I would love to try doing sometime if you’re open.”
Curious about their partner’s response
- “How do you feel about what I just said?”
Aims to initiate a mutual discussion
- “I’d really like to talk about the concept of open relationships, stepping outside of our own relationship for a moment. What do you think about non-monogamy in general?”
Tunes into partner’s feelings about the topic
- “I hear that you’re angry because I brought up having a threesome. You’re jealous because you think that means I’m not attracted to you. I can understand how you would feel that way, and I can promise you that I want you so much, can hardly keep my hands off of you.” (PS – using the word “and” here validates their feelings!)
Includes apologies for when you’re human and don’t follow these suggestions (because you’ll probably be nervous, and let’s face it, we all make mistakes)
- “I’m sorry, that came out wrong and I hurt you. I was nervous and did not mean to cause you pain. Can we try again later when we’ve both calmed down?”
What, then, makes for not-so-good communication? At base, this includes any approach that does not honor your partner as their own individual being with compassion and care. This can take many forms, but typically pushes against the other person’s boundaries and often uses power in attempt to control their behavior. This can range from purely accidental moves, to issues with social anxiety, all the way down to purposeful sexual assault and clear violations of consent. If you’re reading this, hopefully you’re among the former, not in the latter! It is important to consider, however, because many people do have a history of sexual violence and for some, even accidental poor communication may be triggering and challenging to your partner.
Not-So-Good Communication:
Strategic withholding, not sharing something important that your partner needs to know
- “You’re on birth control? Great, then we don’t need to use condoms.” (Said by someone who currently has an STI.)
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Pressuring
- “My last partner was fine with anal, I don’t see why it should be a problem here.”
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Rude, harsh and/or critical, including sarcastic comments or negatively worded jokes at your partner’s expense
- “Maybe we’d have more sex if you lost a few pounds first.”
Pushing for a response without giving adequate time for your partner to consider
- “I told you about my fantasies, so now its time to get undressed and get started.”
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Manipulation and/or coercion
- “If you don’t have sex with me tonight, I’m going to post those naked pictures we took on the internet.”
Outright orders, demands and/or ultimatums
- “Bondage is my thing. We’re in a relationship so you have to do it. And if you don’t do it with me, I’m going to find someone who will!”
Engaging in any sexual activity when it is clear the other person does not want it
- Including, but not limited to, rape
Anything that makes one or both parties feel unsafe
Communication is both an art and a science. It is the process of expressing one’s thoughts and feelings in a way that the other person can hear and understand. These are some great tips to get started, but remember, both you and your partner are unique individuals. What may work with one person may be terrible for another. The most important piece of advice is to come from your heart, and have a heart for your partner in the process.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform.
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