Many adults spend a good portion of their sex lives trying to prevent pregnancy, so when couples decide to take the next step into parenthood, it can be frustrating and disappointing to get a negative test for months on end. Far too often, sex that was once for fun, excitement and intimacy becomes a chore. Putting too much pressure on the act can not only cause more stress, but can lower arousal levels, lead to erectile dysfunction and cause pain during intercourse.
But it doesn’t have to be this way! Even though a couple may really, really want a child, most also want to keep the spark alive.
Here are a few tips to keep the “sexy” in your sexuality while also facing challenges with fertility:
Have sex when you WANT it!
Scheduling sex around ovulation sounds optimal, but often ends up becoming yet another item on the “to do” list… and we all know those lists aren’t sexy. According to Dr. Max Ezzati, M.D., as long as a couple is having sex a couple times a week, there should be plenty of sperm hanging around for whenever the egg does drop by. See, sperm live up to 5 days inside the vagina, so over-scheduling is not only unnecessary, it also can take a lot of the fun and spontaneity out of it. That said, if you enjoy scheduling “sex dates” with your partner, by all means – go for it! The point is to have sex when you feel desire for it, however that feeling shows up in your minds, hearts and bodies.
Have the sex you ENJOY most!
Don’t limit your activities to just vaginal intercourse, unless, of course, that is what you both crave. Couples can get so goal-focused on the specific act needed to reproduce, they forget to have fun along the way. Explore your favorite fantasies, fetishes, kinks and positions – or even try some new ones! Purposely prioritizing what specifically arouses both you and your partner can make reproductive sex much more exciting… and make you actually want to do it that much more!
Remember, sex is supposed to be FUN!
You’ve heard the phrase, “a watched pot never boils,” right? Well, the truth is, it will boil – but it’ll feel like forever before those bubbles rise to the surface. And when you finally do eat that spaghetti, you’ll probably be more irritated than excited. Consider this mentality with baby-making sex. If you spend your sexual encounters and the weeks following waiting for that missed period and positive pregnancy test, its going to be agonizing every month until it happens. Talk about a mood-killer!
Lower your stress
Relax! There is a potential relationship between stress itself and fertility challenges, as some researchers have suggested lowering stress levels may improve a couple’s chances (link to: https://academic.oup.com/humrep/article/21/7/1651/2938549). Think about it from this perspective: when your body is under stress, it behaves internally as if you’re being chased by a lion, even if the source is really an overbearing boss or daily traffic jams on the freeway. If your body senses it is under threat, survival is priority, which isn’t exactly an optimal time to create a new life! Even worse, fertility treatments can themselves cause stress as a couple anxiously awaits the female’s ovulation, hoping this month will be “the one.” Stress also lowers the sex drive, makes us more tired and less fun and creative – all factors that contribute to a great sexual experience. Lowering your stress may improve your chances at conception, and it will definitely make the sex you do have – whether it results in pregnancy or not – much more enjoyable.
You have options
Realize that a majority of couples do end up conceiving eventually. Some get lucky after a month or two of fertility treatment, others may take a few years. Hold onto your dream of becoming a parent, and realize that in most couples, doctors can identify a specific reason that’s making fertility more challenging.
Finally, remember…
Just as we eat for more than just nutrition, we also have sex for many more reasons than reproduction alone. A negative pregnancy test is NOT the equivalent of getting an “F” on your report card! And remember, once that baby does arrive, you won’t have nearly as much time together or the ability to be as spontaneous. Stay in touch with what brought you together as a couple, and what turns you on about one another, and you can still enjoy that special magic together even while embarking on your journey to parenthood.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform.