Do older married couples have amazing sex? Yes, some of them do. Let’s take a look at what separates intense, incredible sex for a lifetime from sex that fizzles out after a few years together.
Having Sex as You Age
Many people believe that their sex life is doomed the older they get. Our culture has a habit of oversexualizing youth and completely de-sexualizing people who hit a certain age. This is a byproduct of ageism, and it has nothing to do with reality. People can have satisfying sex lives during any decade of their lives. But it starts with not believing what you hear about the sexuality of older people.
Redefining Good Sex
As you get older, it’s crucial to redefine your sex life a bit. Getting an erection can become more difficult for people with penises. Those with vaginas can have more trouble with lubrication or might experience pain during intercourse. Though some sexual changes during menopause and andropause are inevitable, you can have good sex by keeping your mind open.
First, it’s essential to remember that good sex doesn’t always equal frequent sex. No matter how much your friends say they’re getting intimate, it might not be accurate, and it might not mean that they’re having good sex, even if they’re having a lot of it. Trying to keep up with others is a surefire way to set yourself up for sexual disappointment. Quality is more important than quantity, but if there are desire discrepancies in your relationship, you should find ways to mitigate them so that one or both of you aren’t frustrated long-term.
The best sexual experiences aren’t always defined by a successfully sustained erection or multiple orgasms. The ideals we have about sex should change as we get older because we have more experience and know ourselves better. It becomes more important to focus on other characteristics of sex, like being swept up in the moment or surprising yourself by finding something new you like.
What Good Sex Is
Good sex has transcendent qualities that don’t rely on ability—but do make it memorable. For some, good sex could be defined as an experience when they felt connected to their partner. High levels of connection can increase your pleasure, and it can strengthen your sexual bond.
Mindfulness helps, and so does sex that invites you to be fully immersed. Mindfulness is a skill, which means that the more you practice it, the easier it will become to be mindful. However, it takes a lot of commitment to be present all of the time—or even most of the time. People who are new to mindfulness may find that trying out new sexual activities can help you focus on the task at hand.
As you age, you can also harness the skill of getting into your body. When you get into your body, it’s easier to ignore the things that distract us from good sex—things like our to-do lists, friends and family we’re worried about, and work stressors.
Most people would probably agree that you can only experience great sex if you like your partner. Focus on improving your relationship so that you not only love each other but also like each other.
Further, it’s vital to make an effort to become more vulnerable as we age, not less. When we feel like we can’t be vulnerable or emotionally naked with other people, we tend to put up guards for protection. Yet, these guards don’t just keep out bad feelings—they can also block good, pleasant feelings like arousal, desire, and sexual fulfillment.
If you’re ready to set yourself up for a lifetime of satisfying sex—no matter how old you are—reach out to a trusted sex therapist who can guide you through the process.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.