So many people want to learn how to be a better lover. Without knowing your background, it can be hard to provide tips that are relevant to you (although taking this quiz to find out what kind of lover you are would be a good start). However, below is some of my top advice for addressing sexual issues and improving your satisfaction with your sex life.
Keep Things Lively in the Bedroom
After the energy and excitement of a brand new relationship has died down, it’s crucial to find ways to keep your libidos high and sex at the forefront of your brain. A pervasive myth about great sex is that it should happen naturally even after years of being together. In reality, a satisfying sex life takes effort. If you need clitoral stimulation to climax, as many people with vaginas do, let your partner know that. The more specific you can be with your feedback, the better the chance that you will get your needs met. Don’t use oral sex for foreplay if it’s the main event for you. Many people, especially men, didn’t have sex education that taught them how important clitoral stimulation is for women. If you don’t speak up, you could be dooming yourself to sexual disappointment.
Next, make sure you keep trying new things. Doing the same thing over and over—even if it’s having sex—gets boring after a while. So, be adventurous! Consider talking about your fantasies, getting into BDSM, or picking up a mindfulness practice. The more you are willing to explore together, the better your sex life will be.
Masturbation Is Healthy
Before you can tell your partner what you want, you have to know what you want. And there’s no better way to find out than masturbation. More than educational, masturbation is a practice that is excellent for your body and your mind. The chemicals that rush through your system can help you relax, lessen the experience of pain, and improve sleep quality.
Sex can be a very intimate act—though it doesn’t have to be. Casual sex can be fun, too. If you want intimacy, though, be prepared to put in some effort. Maintaining a sense of cozy attachment is a great way to keep the warm fuzzy feelings in a long-term relationship. Simple acts like cuddling after sex or saying how much you appreciate your partner at some point during sex can maintain a sense of closeness, and these interactions separate casual sex from sex in a healthy long-term relationship.
Move Past Trauma
Sexual trauma that hasn’t been dealt with can make sex complicated instead of simply fun and pleasurable. Experiencing sexual abuse is, unfortunately, common. Trauma causes a disconnection between your body and your brain, which means it’s hard to connect and feel pleasure in your body and ignore the warning signals and distractions happening within your mind. Without the help of a trained therapist, many people spend time re-enacting their past rather than healing and growing. Even emotional abuse can create an unhealthy pattern in adults and manifest in their sex lives.
Sex Therapy Can Help
Getting help from a specialist is an excellent first step on the journey toward your best sex life ever. Get your free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.