Monogamy is a tricky thing, and in most cases, that’s because people define it very differently. Many clients come into couples’ therapy worried because they found that their partner has fantasies about someone else, and they want to find out what this means for their relationship.
Defining Monogamy
When you’re in a long-term relationship, there’s no getting around it: you’re going to have to find a way to define your sexual boundaries in a way that works for both of you. There are three levels of monogamy: physical, social, and mental. And it’s essential for a healthy relationship that each level of monogamy reflects your values.
Physical monogamy may sound intuitive, but it must still be agreed upon. What type of physical interactions are you okay with your partner having with other people? The spectrum runs from hugging and kissing to the various kinds of intercourse, and couples define this in every way imaginable.
Social monogamy is an agreement that, even though you’re not entirely monogamous, you will act as if you are in social situations. Due to the stigma that surrounds monogamous, a lot of couples choose this arrangement so they can “pass” as monogamous. This way, their friends and coworkers never have to be the wiser.
Mental monogamy often arises in religious couples. This applies to couples that ask their partners not to think of anyone else sexually, watch porn, or fantasize about someone outside of their partner. Though this level of commitment might be laudable, often attraction and arousal are biological responses that occur before we have the chance to mitigate them. To ask your partner not to have this response would be like asking them not to blink or yawn; most of the time, complying with this type of monogamy is not feasible.
Pure—Or Not So Pure—Imagination
Your mind is the only place where you can escape the drudgery of everyday life, so it’s no wonder that people often feel their partners are trying to “escape” them if they’ve been fantasizing sexually about another person.
Most of the time, having sexual fantasies that go outside of your relationship is not just normal—it’s healthy. It can become problematic, however, if you begin to train yourself to want only one thing during sex—especially when that thing is part of your fantasy. Basically, try not to obsess over any one specific person or act, for the safety of your relationship’s boundaries.
You can use the sexual energy created by these fantasies to be a more enthusiastic sex partner within your relationship. So, disregard the guilt you feel and indulge in your imagination, and then use the arousal you experience to be more present and creative in bed with your partner.
Identify What’s Missing in Your Relationship
Fantasies can act as sort of a canary in the coal mine if you’re not completely happy in your current partnership. When you fantasize about someone else, what is it that you get out of that fantasy that is lacking in your relationship? If you can identify this and let your partner know that you’d like more foreplay or role-play or passion—whatever it may be—then even your more intense fantasies can help your relationship grow.
If you have a recurring or favorite sexual fantasy about a specific person, and you’re not in an open relationship, it’s pretty important to steer clear of that person in real life—especially if you’re going to be drinking. When your inhibitions are lowered, mistakes happen. And nobody wants to jeopardize their relationship. If you feel like you should act out on your fantasy in real life, the best thing to do is to ask your partner about an open relationship, or terminate your relationship first. Then you can engage sexually with a clear conscience.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.