No two relationships look the same, and that’s a good thing. As a culture, we’ve made indispensable progress toward becoming more open-minded about interracial relationships, intercultural relationships, and gay and lesbian relationships. The more we accept the different ways we love each other, the more inclusive we’ll be as a society. But age-gap relationships still make people uncomfortable because sometimes the power imbalance results in abuse. Yet, other age-gap relationships are healthy and thriving. Here’s what you need to know about age differences in relationships.
What Qualifies as an Age Gap
Chances are, when you meet a partner, they won’t be exactly your age. However, some age gaps are culturally palatable while others raise eyebrows, and the age difference that remains taboo has changed over the years. Currently, an age gap is often a gap of ten years or more. Below that, couples usually avoid much scrutiny. But the idea that healthy relationships must have both partner’s within a decade of the other’s age is limiting and arbitrary.
Age Gaps and Equality
Relationships with age gaps have always existed, and historically, for men dating younger women, they have been accepted and legalized. However, women dating younger men experience extra scrutiny and stigma. For instance, a woman who dates younger men is called a cougar, suggesting a predatory animal. And if a younger woman dates an older man, she may be called a gold-digger. Misogyny plays heavily into our understanding and acceptance of age-gap relationships.
Why Age-Gap Relationships Can Be Appealing
Real connections sometimes happen between two people who aren’t close in age. One may be attracted to the other’s sense of play, energy, and carefree attitude. The other may enjoy stability, maturity, and wisdom that they don’t find in people their age. It may take people who were raised as women longer to know what they like in bed because they aren’t as encouraged to assert dominance or expect sexual satisfaction. So, women may be older by the time they want to have a sexy fling, and they may find their match in a younger man. The older woman may appreciate the younger generation’s open-mindedness or that they are less inclined to enforce strict gender roles. These relationships can be healing and empowering when they’re healthy. Further, people may find they have an incredible sexual connection with the other person. Having a sexy fling may be exactly what you need.
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Since people in an age-gap relationship may have grown up with different media, music, books, movies, and even slang, there’s an opportunity for both partners to learn something new. Learning new things together is a hallmark of a healthy relationship and can keep you interested in your partner.
Age Gaps and Stigma
People who get into age-gap relationships may experience backlash. Navigating this negative energy together can bring you closer. As people get to know you, they will rely less on stereotypes and understand the nuances and uniqueness of age-gap relationships.
There’s less stigma around age-gap relationships in the LGBTQIA+ community, potentially because this community already faces stigma. Part of this could also be because LGBTQIA couples had to forge their own path, whereas heterosexual relationships are expected to follow certain guidelines and have a built-in dynamic because of the entrenched gender roles.
When faced with stigma, being clear about what you want from the relationship is vital. You’ll be facing down stereotypes together, so you need to be on the same page. Saying the quiet part about age-gap relationships out loud and talking about why you’re motivated to be with your partner can help you both feel more confident in the foundation of your love. Spend time together reflecting on your own perception of age-gap relationships and how our culture has influenced your view of them. Keep an open mind and listen to what your partner has to say.
Steering Clear of Abuse
Any kind of relationship can be abusive, so it’s a good idea to check and see if yours is on a healthy path or heading towards toxicity. In age-gap relationships, as with any relationships, the crucial part is that no one is being taken advantage of and that there’s not a serious power imbalance. Those two factors make a relationship ripe for abuse. But some research shows that a difference in age alone doesn’t necessarily create an imbalance of power that favors the older partner.
Make a concerted effort to share the decision-making in the relationship. Both partners should feel equally empowered. If one person makes all of the decisions, there’s a good chance you’re not in an equal partnership. Are both of your needs being met, and are you both comfortable initiating conflict? If you can be vulnerable and tackle issues together, chances are you’re on your way to a healthy relationship.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.