Swinging is more common than you might think. People who have strong boundaries and morals, are great role models, and are deeply in love with their partner join the community every day. They aren’t perverts or abnormal—in fact, they may be exploring a secret that can help keep your sex life scorching hot. Here’s what you need to know about swinging.
Swinging: A Primer
Swinging is a form of non-monogamy where you and your primary partner seek out couples or individuals to have sex with. Just like other forms of open relationships, swinging requires both parties to establish boundaries around who they will or won’t pursue, when swinging is an option, and which sexual activities are permissible.
Many swinger activities are social and sexual, but not necessarily relational. Typically, swinging is a one-time activity you engage in with your partner. Your primary relationship stays just that—primary, and the emotional component is saved for your primary partner. Much like dating, swingers may want to be friends first and find a couple that they feel comfortable swinging with multiple times. But the relationship stays primarily sexual, not romantic or emotional. Falling in love with someone else would fall into the category of an open relationship. If you are looking to meet long-term partners and fall in love, consider seeking out polyamorous communities.
Where to Begin
A good first step is researching swinger parties or bars to go to. You can meet like-minded couples and occasionally, leave the party to connect erotically. If you can’t find one, you could host your own. But before you attend a swinger or sex party, you need to know what to expect, and this video gives you the lowdown so there aren’t any surprises:
There are also social media websites geared toward the swinging community, helping them connect and make friends in addition to lovers. Making open-minded friends can help normalize your sexual interests and minimize stigmatizing beliefs you may have inherited from your family or friends growing up.
Think about your boundaries before you begin. In certain types of open relationships, you can discuss beforehand what you’re comfortable hearing about and what you’d prefer not to know. But if you’re attending swinging events, chances are good that you’ll see your partner flirting with someone else. If you’re uncomfortable with that amount of exposure, start slow. Attend a swinging event and commit to only speaking with other couples so that you can slowly adjust to the lifestyle without feeling overwhelmed by jealousy.
How Swinging Can Deepen Intimacy
Swinging can help a couple thrive if they have areas of sexual incompatibility. If your partner has a fetish that gives you the ick, you can both get what you need by occasional swinging. It can also relieve the pressure on your partner to be everything you need all the time. But these benefits only occur when both partners are equally interested in swinging and have a foundation of trust and open communication. It can be healthy, add excitement, and help you get out of your sexual routine. And it can remind you what a catch your partner is.
Remember that swinging is not a sign that your relationship is on the rocks. In reality, it’s often just the opposite. You may be in the most solid relationship of your life, and the trust is so ubiquitous that you’re ready to explore together.
Acknowledging Jealousy
Jealousy crops up from time to time in any relationship, but swinging can bring those feelings to a head. This is where boundaries and communication can save the day. Like any relationship, sometimes people catch feelings. It’s a risk you take, whether you’re in an open relationship or not. If that time comes, you and your partner will have to have an honest conversation about how to move forward.
You should both try to identify what triggers your jealousy and allow yourselves to feel those uncomfortable feelings. Admitting them is the next step. If you can freely discuss the deeper fears that prompt your jealousy, whether those are of being abandoned, feeling undesirable, or not meeting your partner’s needs, you have the chance to solve them together and come out stronger for it. When you can both identify steps to help heal those feelings, it becomes possible to continue swinging and have a strong, healthy, long-term relationship.
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Solidifying Your Foundation
Sometimes, a specialized therapist can help guide you through the thorny patches of swinging. If that resonates with you, it’s time to contact me for a consultation.