It’s not a sign of a bad marriage if your sex life seems to stall after many years together. Rather, it’s the sign of two busy people. But spicing up the marriage doesn’t happen effortlessly—you have to take intentional steps in order to add fire into your bedroom. So, if you’re missing some of the passion and heat from the beginning of your relationship, below are some ways you can start spicing up the marriage.
Try a New Location
The bed isn’t the only place you can have sex. If you haven’t tried out other rooms in your house, you’re missing out. The sexy thing about having sex somewhere else—whether on the kitchen counter or the couch during Netflix and Chill—is because it signifies that you couldn’t wait to touch each other until bedtime. That kind of intensity is bound to add a new element to your sex life. So, turn on a sexy movie or eat a dinner full of aphrodisiacs and have sex in a new spot.
Fire Up Your Creativity
During the pandemic, most couples realized that they would have to rely on their own creativity to spice things up in the bedroom. When you can’t leave the house very often, you only have your own fantasies to fall back on. This is a good thing, though, as being creative with your partner is integral to having a hot sex life for a lifetime. Couples who polished their creative skills during the pandemic are ahead of the curve. If you haven’t been intentionally creative, now is the perfect time.
The thing about creativity is that it takes longer to achieve than regular sex does. You should try to go to bed just a little bit earlier so that you have time to explore. Rushing through something creative will automatically turn it into a chore. So, whenever you typically go to bed, try to get there half an hour or even an hour earlier so that you have time to get creative.
Creativity can look like incorporating role-play, where you dress up as others and create a sexy scene together. Or it can look like sexting each other throughout the day to help create a mood for the evening. You could even start with a creative date by doing something neither of you has ever done before. Doing new things together helps you see your partner in a new light, and that can spark your sexual creativity, too.
Focus on Seduction More Than Performance
One surefire way to improve your sex life is by returning your focus to seduction. If you view sex as a foregone conclusion, it removes the surprise from the experience. Instead of trying to race through sex together, shift your attention to turning your partner on. You can even forget about the orgasm or the intercourse, as long as you do all the things you know get your partner worked up.
Set Goals
Goals are essential in every area of your life—and that includes your sex life. Setting goals together can help you align your vision of your future sex life. And better yet, it can help you see if you’re on track and continuing to make progress. Without goals, many long-term couples will fall into a routine and start having leftover sex rather than branching out and enjoying new experiences.
Don’t forget to ensure your goals are reasonable. Having an earth-shattering orgasm every time you hit the sack just isn’t realistic. Instead, think of something specific and doable, like maybe you want to get better at oral sex. Or, perhaps you want to try something new once a month. Any goals you can meet that would increase your intimacy are excellent.
Fight Better
If you’re arguing all the time, you’re going to notice the conflict in the bedroom, too. Unfortunately, there’s no way to separate your sex life from your relationship as a whole. When you’re able to fight in healthier ways, not only will you get over issues more quickly, but you’ll also have an easier time spicing up the marriage. Unresolved issues have a way of popping into your head when you’re about to be intimate—so it’s easy for them to ruin the mood.
Things Around the House That Can Help With Spicing Up the Marriage
You might not know it, but everyday household items can be pretty hot in the right context. The utensils below can be used in the bedroom as well as for their intended function, and they will unquestionably add a new twist to your activities.
Sensory play is a great way to experiment with your partner in the bedroom. When you do sensory play, you usually remove one of the senses to explore how that adds to the experience. It’s a great way to re-introduce the art of teasing into your sex life. You can use a tie or scarf to blindfold them, removing their sight. But then intensify the other senses by listening to sexy music, feeding them a type of fruit they love, or giving them a massage with scented oil.
Bondage is sexy because it adds an element of danger. And this is also why it’s so important that you are both sober and have enthusiastic consent before you get started experimenting with kink. But, if you’re ready for some BDSM, you can find lots of things around your house that will undoubtedly aid in spicing up the marriage. Couples who are interested in bondage could use wooden spoons or spatulas to give impact play a try. You likely already have one somewhere in the kitchen, and then you won’t have to spring for an expensive paddle before you know whether you’re into it. Carrots, zucchini, or cucumbers make fantastic dildos as well. They are perfect for vaginal play but don’t use them for anal play as they don’t have a flared base.
Embodiment
The more you can move from your head into your body, the sexier your intimate time will be. When you’re tuned out and worried about what you have to do the next day, it isn’t easy to focus on your pleasure. There are a couple of ways that you can help yourself feel more embodied. One is to take up exercise that connects the mind to the body, like yoga. Another is to start a meditation practice that will help you feel more present in each moment.
Taking care of your body in general is also equally important. When you exercise regularly, get enough sleep, and eat healthy foods, your body feels better. But it’s not just your body; your mind also relaxes a bit. Plus, when you prioritize taking care of yourself in everyday life, it helps you better prioritize your sexual needs. It increases your confidence, and that’s a turn-on for almost anyone.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.