It doesn’t matter how healthy and happy your relationship is; at some point, one or both of you will be attracted to someone else. You may even have a crush on someone outside of your relationship. How you respond to these feelings can determine the future of your relationship, so here’s how to talk about attraction, crushes, and whether you want to stay monogamous.
Starting the Conversation
Talking about attraction to other people is necessary in a long-term relationship. When some topics are off limits, they can create disconnection or even be “taboo.” For many couples, that taboo topic makes it even more appealing. The dirtier and more forbidden something seem, the more alluring it may appear. Talking about everyday feelings and attractions can prevent further yearning from taking hold because you’ll see how commonplace these feelings are. When you can’t talk about jealousy, it can run rampant in your relationship.
Sometimes, open relationships survive jealousy better than monogamous couples because they talk about it. Some couples even plan for it. They talk about how they need to be cared for when they’re feeling insecure about the state of their relationship. And then, most crucially, their partner shows up for them in that way. This process helps you process emotions together as a team and can cement your foundation of trust.
Addressing Monogamy or Nonmonogamy Together
Not following the monogamous path can be tricky. Though it’s becoming a more common topic of conversation, if it’s not something you’ve discussed with your partner before, it can come across as an unwelcome surprise, or worse, a betrayal. Well before anything physical happens, it can feel like you are looking for an exit in your long-term relationship. If your relationship is a priority, make that clear from the outset of the conversation.
People who need to be in non-monogamous relationships may come to that conclusion because they would feel stifled or rejected in their relationships if they were to be honest. It’s often not wise to shift the boundaries of your relationship and try non-monogamy for a specific person. An open relationship works more smoothly if you begin it on even footing as something you both want to try. Swinging, for example, is a way to experience a night of freedom together, where you both have partners and there’s a clear beginning and end.
Opening your relationship won’t make it immune to betrayal. Betrayal is still very accessible, and jealous feelings won’t simply evaporate. They may get much worse, unless you have a conversation and set some boundaries. Boundaries are every bit as important in an open relationship as they are in a monogamous one. Jealousy only goes away when you address the root cause, which likely was something that happened years ago and may predate your relationship. And even then, you will still likely come across the green-eyed monster now and then. Dealing with it as a team is crucial.
Attraction Is Likely—Acting on It Is Negotiable
Almost everyone in a long-term relationship will have casual feelings for someone else. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re destined for non-monogamy. Those are regular human feelings, and they don’t disappear just because you’re in love. You can repress them, but it’s up to you what kind of sacrifice that would be.
Behavior is something that you can control, but feelings aren’t similarly governable. The more you can freely talk about how you’re feeling, the closer you and your partner can become. The freedom to have these discussions can help you build a strong foundation that can weather temporary things like attraction and crushes. Let’s face it: it’s a little unrealistic to expect that you will always feel like your partner is the only person in the universe that gets you all hot and bothered.
Truth With Empathy Is Key
An often-overlooked fact is that truth can be weaponized. Yes, it’s important to be honest with your partner. But equally as important is treating your partner with care and consideration. Telling your partner you’ve thought about cheating on them, for example, is difficult news to receive. Always start the conversation by emphasizing how important they are to you and why you want to share your feelings with them.
Just as important as how you deliver the truth is when you do. My YouTube video has can’t-miss information on orchestrating the conversation to move your relationship forward:
Let’s Get Started
If you want professional help preparing to open up, contact me for a free consultation today.